Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Morning After

I hold before you a device of such wonder that it will take your mind away from your social dementia, your political mish-mash, your un-fathomable goals, your concerns about teenage pregnancy and the most up-to-date meme virus. It shall cleanse your mind of presidential police actions in sandy lands of faraway, reality television, ridiculous chart topping gas prices and other worrisome flim-flam.

      This device is not sold in stores, or on T.V. and there is no limited time offer. It cannot be sold or bought or even given away. It is the Golden Monkey Fist. You have one of your own, though I'm sure you don't know it, not yet.
I would like to run you through a few warm up lessons to get you ready:


Let's begin by setting down that greasy cheese burger. Go ahead. OK. Now, push those diet pills off to the side as you may need the space to move around. If your taller than I am you may want to stay seated or just take off your shoes. If not, stand and wait for further instructions.

OK. You're looking good. Now, take a deep breath and ask yourself the following questions one at a time, ensuring that you speak clearly into your mental microphone so that the others will understand your every word.

    1) If I shave my head, amputated one hand and one foot, each from opposite sides of my body, drink 1 1/2 gallons of skim milk and stood on the surface of the moon, more specifically the lip of a crater on the moon, facing the earth how much would I weigh? 2) If I caught a live squirrel with my teeth what would be my next goal? 3) How tall is the author of this article and should I be standing or sitting?
If the answer to any of these questions is NO. Then obviously you're a moron and you should not continue reading this.

If, however, your answers were:
    1) Who cares. 2) What? 3) 5'11"
then you pass and can continue down the road to becoming a Golden Monkey Fist master. Congratulations.
-excerpts from Tales of the Golden Monkey Fist (currently unpublished and unwritten)

-N.O. King

    HEY HEY SAW THIS OLD POST I HAD WRITTEN AND THOUGHT I WOULD RE-POST IT. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT, SICKO! ANYHOO. Spent the evening talking to a friend on FaceBook last night (yes that is correct- Satan Book) out of every person I have run across in FB (that's an acronym for Face Book or Fat Babies or Filbert's Bowels or... well any number of things) I have thought to myself 'Oh God, I hope I don't have to talk to that person.' 'Why am I on Face Book? Why do I torture myself? Is it not best to leave the past in the past?'
    Yes, and then I came in contact with an old friend who I not only admired but well, kinda always liked her (oh oh Nosmo, 'da two monkeys do da kissy thing' like? Ya ya. Like that except she was courting my best friend at the time and I am sworn to loyalty so I could not pursue my feelings. Ah, shame shame. Chivalry is a bitch, I know. ) Anyhow, it was a long talk and I told her stuff about my life I had never told anyone. In doing so, I must admit, I stirred up a lot of emotions. Or should I say that talking about things in my life to an old friend brought them into perspective (my emotions, that is). I'm sure I could fill a novel with thoughts and feelings that are... well, stirring up there in the old noodle but I'm not sure if, at this time, I could arrange them in any meaningful flow of thought. So, perhaps later. Anyhow, my last topic is this: Monkeys rule and there isn't much you or I can do about that. Happy Holidays and Godspeed my friends, tally ho and all that good stuff.
    -Nosmo ( I see the saddle! Oh my god! I see the saddle! Now, how to get back in it. Maybe I should have worn something black.)

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