Thursday, May 21, 2009

Yellow Snow and Other Un-Favorite Things

"Conan! What is best in life?
To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the women."
-A quote from the beloved classic film 'Conan, the Barbarian'

I don't think I'm having a Conan day. Rather, I'm having one of those days where I wanna hit something but it's gonna hurt my hand so I stifle my hatred towards the world in favor of anti-social, ultra-passive hedonism which may or may not lead to watching sappy chick flicks and crying like a little girl whilst gorging on sugary sweets and lemon-lime soda. I'm not gay I just wanna be held and caressed until the pain goes away.

The real issue here is the fact that I have no real reason for feeling this way. That's what makes dealing with chemical depression so hard; there is no rhyme or reason for it. It's just an unwelcome, impending doom that looms overhead like a black cloud of helplessness.

Or demons. That seems like a pretty easy cop out. I'm oppressed by demons!

The truth is I've been battling depression since as far back as I can remember. At times, it seems to be a familiar friend; like an abuse victim that is drawn towards abusers because that's all they know. I'll even go so far as to say my life is empty without depression. Well, empty is not really the right word. Without depression I feel like something is missing, like my pants. Yeah, not being depressed is like leaving my house without pants on. Sure, I feel free, sure I feel lighter and unburdened but there is something missing and the cool breeze is making things shrivel up.

So, I suppose today is a good day, a 'napalm in the morning' day. Today, I shall embrace my old friend Depression and revel in the fact that there is no longer anything missing from my gray, depressing life. You have a good day to, ya hear.


1 comment:

  1. i know how you feel. I go through the same cycles. pretty sure its bi-polar disorder. Tho unlike you i enjoy the bits where i'm not depressed, even tho it does feel wierd. yes i just said it feels wierd to not be depressed. thats i feel better, also depressing.