I hate getting angry. It rarely happens. It seems to only happen when I am in a bad place mentally. Which I was yesterday. Well, actually I have been there since Friday. I feel better this morning. I feel like that black cloud is starting to break up and I can get on with my life.
I did learn a few things in the process though. People, in the end, really only give sympathy to those they believe have tried hard and, due to some bad break, have fallen on their face. I don't appear to others as someone who has tried hard enough to warrant that sympathy.
Furthermore, if pride is something I truly seek then avoiding sympathy is probably a good idea. I am a man after all. That's what men do. We don't cry. We are cowboys. We stand up for ourselves; we bring home the bacon; we demand sexual satisfaction from the weaker sex; we shoot guns and get angry with those who try to take advantage of us. (note all my sarcasm) How much easier life would be if I was a stereo-typical male!
I suppose I have a lot of growing yet to do. It's just hard to think that it isn't all futile. That I am trying to be someone else just to make people happy. I can't do that. I have to be me. I have to do what I believe is right and as I said before I have to have respect for myself. That, I will agree, is the most important part of all of this.
But do I respect myself? I suppose. I think it's a bit more complicated than most people would think. I have pride in things I have done. I have pride in what I believe I can do. I think the real issue now is will I be able to fix my life and make things right? I don't know. Should I fix things? Should I break them and move on? Will this kind of situation happen again? Do I need to learn not to be a door mat? Can I learn that?
I don't know. I do know that I feel better today. I do know that today I have a chance to make things better, to walk down the road of self-improvement with a clear head and focused goals. I do know that I am still alive and I still, despite everything, have me. That's something. And that's better than nothing.