I wrote this on ALOHA FRIDAY! But it's getting posted today, Saturday. So, without further adieu:
After, God knows how many years, I decided to finally (temporarily) ditch my glasses and get contacts. I set up an appointment at the Eye Clinic for FRIDAY morning and figured with the prescription in hand I could call up 1-800-contacts (cause I'm sure they have my brand) and I would be sporting the non-nerd look no later than Monday MONDAY! Monday. It works out that you can't leave without demonstrating your ability to slip the little suckers in. And, since other patients don't want to be trying on used contacts (not sure if that's gross or not) they give you a free pair. Or perhaps I should say the Navy does. I don't know how it works with civilian Eye Clinics. Don't go to your optometrist and say, "Nosmo said you would give me a free pair of contacts!" Don't use me like that, please.
Anyhoo, pine needless to say, I walked out of there, on FRIDAY!!! morning with a new set of peepers, mucho sexy! I bought sunglasses for the first time in a decade and now I'm feeling like a cool guy. Note: 'Feeling' not 'I am a cool guy'.
So, I'm putting these things in and the doctor is standing two feet from me. I lied to her saying that I had worn contacts before. OK. So that's a partial lie. I have worn them before but only once and the only way I could get them in was to have my brother and father hold me down and pop them in for me! That was a horrible experience. Finally, the doctor wandered off and, with my stage fright gone, I was able to do it, take 'em down, do my stuff.
Returning to work I had quite a heated conversation with my co-workers (I use the term 'work' lightly here) about monkeys. Now, you are probably thinking, 'Nosmo and his monkeys', but I swear I had no part in initiating this conversation. Just an ironic twist of fate. The beef was all about monkeys and if they were or were not evil. I know this seems stupid as any intelligent person would understand the futility of this argument but that is what makes submariners so unique. Don't ask what I mean by that; just go with it.
I stood firm on my position of 'monkeys are not evil just misunderstood'. Take for instance the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, he sold Indiana and friends out but it isn't easy being a vest wearing monkey in a trilogy that condones the consumption of monkey brains. I believe he was offered a part in Temple of Doom but was cut after a heated debate with Short Round over a wardrobe issue. That might have very well saved his life.
King Kong! While not technically a monkey, he is a primate and your average movie goer more than likely lacks the ability to differentiate between apes and monkeys. I learned, while watching Veggie Tales, that monkeys have tails and apes do not. At any rate, King Kong was a victim of a hate crime. Yes he was. And in those days the idea of an ape hooking up with a respectable white woman was outrageous and border line ungodly. Is that jungle love? Sorry, poor taste in humor.
Then there are the flying monkeys in the land of Oz. Let's get real folks, flying monkeys? Let's say you're a flying monkey and your home and all that you know is threatened by a girl and her dog who team up with a man made of straw (definate fire hazard there), another man made of tin with an axe made of steel and a humanoid lion with bows in his hair (well, that last one actually doesn't sound so threatening but let's pretend). I think your actions in the defense of your home could easily be construed as 'evil' despite the fact that you were either A) Fighting in the defense of your home land or B) Following orders of that hideous witch (that dies when water is applied to her. Kind of like a reverse Sea Monkey! 'oh, another pun').
So, while primates may run wild in India and your chimp may go 'ape shit' (God, I love puns) on your friend and leave her disfigured for life, monkeys really aren't evil, we just need to learn tolerance.
UPDATE: I couldn't get the damn contacts out of my eyes. I had to drive back to the clinic and have the doctor remove them for me. That's what I get for lying I guess. LOL.