Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Back and Determined

My Wife

It's been a long time. I thought I had lost myself. Recovering from surgery. Preparing for other surgeries. I tried to fix my life. To make the toys I have now work. But sometimes you have to give up. Sometimes your toys are beyond repair and it's time to buy new toys.

I can't fix you. I can try and support you. But I can't fix you. I can give you as much as I have but one day I will have to let you fly on your own. Whether you fall or soar, only you can say. I wash my hands clean of the guilt of what I have done, or didn't do, or thought that I should do but didn't.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in commitment but you're dragging me down into your personal hell and I'm not going there. What good is a half-ass love that leads to an early grave. I want to live. I want to breath. I want to rise to the highest heights of ecstasy and fall into the arms of someone who cares about me.

You don't know that I have seen the golden shores. You can't go with me, I wish you could. You can't walk where I will walk, you can't see what I will see, you can't love what I will love. You have to find your own shores, be they golden or dark.

My Twin Sister

You have strength. I cannot fathom. You have complexity. I cannot understand. You have simplicity. I can find peace in. You have gone to the darkest corners of my mind and emerged unscathed. What's more you frolicked in those crevasses. Who could ask for more?

I haven't changed, Sister. Those black cerebral fissures haven't found the light. They never will. I like to hide in them. I hope you are still willing to hide with me. In the dark we can cling to each other. In the dark we can share our secrets and tell the world to be damned.

I have embraced reincarnation as truth. Ages ago you were my secret, we wore other bodies, seen with other eyes. We were born anew and you are still my secret. My twin sister. My soul. My angel.

My Self

I lost a part of me, physically. I thought it was going to change who I was mentally, emotionally, sexually. I was wrong. I thought I would see other things, have new goals, create a new me. An old wise man once said, 'Where ever you go, there you are.' Perhaps I have learned one thing. You are who you are and the sooner you embrace it the better off you will be.

So, I am going to be me. I am going to do what I do and think what I think. I will not ask for forgiveness for being me. I will not, cannot! please everyone. Only me. Only me. And when I am dead and gone and standing before the creator I will only have me there. No one else. I will be the only one to defend me. I will be the only one to praise me.

-Nosmo (Life never ceases to amaze!)


  1. I hope you're healing well, physically... emotionally you're doing great!

    Normally, I reserve sentiments for the ladies but eh.. this is a special case.
    You ever get out Missouri way, I'll buy the first few rounds....

  2. Awesome. Yeah, Meyer's Rum with OJ, 50/50, please (Meyer's Sharkbite). I was concerned that this post made absolutely no sense. Maybe it didn't. Maybe you just saw the angst and misery eating away at me between the lines of text. IDK. Thank you though.