Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Invisible Son

To use the analogy of a hand dealt in cards when referring to life is a poor one at best. A hand of cards is played in a game. A game, whether won or lost, can be played again. Life, however, does not start over. There is no new deck of cards, no new players, no fresh chips. It continues on regardless of whether you screwed it up or not. It's permanent. No take-backsies.

Five years ago I would look back on my life and say that I regret nothing I did. That everything, good and bad, had a purpose. I'm in my thirties now and though, statistically, I still have a lot of life left to live I can safely say, without a doubt in my mind, that I have made more bad choices than good ones.

I think the thing I regret more than anything is not having kids. My current wife is unable to have them so I suppose I could justify it with that. Yet it still fixes nothing, the justification is pointless. The fact of the matter is I have none. I may never have them.

But why? Why would I want them? A living legacy to carry on the name? Little Nosmos running around fetching my slippers and newspaper? I can't explain it any more than to say that it is a need to have a higher purpose, to be a part of the cycle of life. To create and nurture. To be proud. To watch the miracle of life growing day after day before your eyes.

I hate myself for making these mistakes. I hate that I will never have a chance to make it right. Life isn't fair, I know it's true. So, I will carry on and try to make the best of it, create what I can, nurture what I can, look upon parents and children and try my best to be happy for them. I will smile and write pretty words and most importantly I will try to never make another regrettable mistake as long as I live.


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