Sometimes its frightening to leave your destiny in the hands of others. I am afraid, I will admit. Things are going to change and I hate change.
I try to keep my eyes to the future, some ultimate goal to help me focus, to get me through the tough times. But on days like these its hard to see heaven through the thick, black clouds. Its hard to believe that God is real and that God has a plan for me. It's hard to imagine a better life.
Perhaps there is no better life, at least not in this world. Perhaps this is all just a test, a trial, a precursor to the next world, a hell for martyrs and the penitent. Then again, perhaps a better life is all perception and that I have a good life now, I just don't realize it.
I want to believe that there is a barrier of evil before me and only through 'virtue' can I cut through it, like some chivalrous knight, garbed in bright and shining armor battling the evils of the world with truth and passion.
The reality, though, is that I'm tired, tired of loving and hating, tired of caring, tired of worrying, tired of hiding and tired of telling the truth. Tired. I need a nap.