Thursday, January 14, 2010

To My Angel

I feel responsible for turning your heart upside down. I feel as if I have tempted you to walk down a dangerous path that could potentially be wrought with pain and heartache.

I know you think you would have done this without me. That the changes you will make would be made regardless of whether I was in your life or not. I thought the same thing until last night. I couldn't find you and I thought the worse. For a brief moment I thought I had lost you.

In all my plans and all the risks I had been and will be taking I felt so sure of everything but during that brief moment I felt so alone. I felt like I had dared to enter the dark woods knowing that there would be someone there to give me strength, then suddenly, I found myself unprotected and helpless.

I know the changes I desire to make are good ones, healthy ones. I need to find happiness and peace of mind. I need to find a future. But I also know that I am not strong enough to face those alone. That thought shook me to my core and now I think that I either have to find the strength within myself to keep moving or trust in love, as foolish as it may be.

I know that what I feel for you is real and I hope the way you feel about me is real. And if it is we can make it, I know we can. I know the path before us is not going to be easy. But as they say anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I was given some advice last night, 'If it was meant to be it will be. Don't try to force it.' At first this seemed wise. But then I thought, what if any highly successful person in life thought like that? What if instead of fighting to reach their goals of success they simply said, 'if it was meant to be it will be'? I think they would all still be everyday bums like the rest of us. Nothing just happens. The trail head may appear to us by the fateful shifting of the fog but it is we who must step on it, it is we who must put one foot in front of the other. It is we who must fight for our dreams.

So many times I lost you because I gave up hope too easily. Not this time. This time I will fight. I will fight until we are either together or there is no fight left in me and I lay down to die. I can honestly say I no longer have anything in life worthwhile except my feelings for you. That may be a dangerous place to be and one day I hope that I will become a much more rounded person. But right now, I can't say that there is anything else in my life worth fighting for.

To everyone else I would like to ask: Why are we here if not to love? What is the point of future without love? Nothing, nothing in this world is above love. Nothing in this world, not even your own sense of self worth or survival is greater than love. If you do not seek to love, to love as deeply as you can, then why bother? If you are not willing to love and you are not willing to lay down everything thing you have for the sake of love then you are just existing, like an animal. I don't want to be an animal. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to live without love. I'm sorry, my friends, to me, love is everything. I will climb the highest mountain, dive to the deepest depths, I will go to hell and back again for love. I would risk, not only my life, but my very soul for love.


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